I Remember...

I've struggled to write this one for a while...never really sure if I ever would.  And if I did, if I would share it.  But here it is.  I guess it's time.

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I remember standing over you in disbelief. Watching you in your tiny crib. Watching the monitors with one eye, all the while watching your little chest rise and fall-looking for reassurance.  I remember praying feverishly that you would be alright.

 I remember the sting of the words of the doctors as they explained how small and delicate your heart and veins were. Some as tiny as a single strand of hair. I remember being terrified as I sat at the huge hospital table with pamphlets and papers and illustrations as the doctor explained the surgery.  I remember thinking it wasn't possible that you were inside me just days before...safe and warm.  I remember crying as I looked at the new IV, the one in the side of your head because that was the best placement for it. I remember the PIC line.  The tubes.  The tape.  Everything.  I will forever remember the smell of the soap as we scrubbed our hands before coming in to see you.

 I remember the privacy screens that they placed around other cribs when time was running short.  I remember praying that we would never be behind one of those screens.  I hated those screens.  I hated the emptiness they left behind when they were taken down.  I hated that place.

I loved that place.  I loved that doctor who worked miracles.  I will forever remember him.  I will forever thank God for him.

I will forever remember the day we got to bring you home.  I had dreamed of it and prayed for it and I was terrified.  I remember the nurse giving us all our special instructions.  Do not pick him up under the arms.  Do not forget to give him his medicine three times a day.  Be sure he eats his special high calorie diet and be sure to visit your family doctor in two days.  Don't forget about the cardiac doctor who will expect to see you for your appointment in one week.  Make sure to monitor him for any sign of a fever and call your doctor right away if you notice one.  On and on and on.  There were pages of directions.  Terrified.  There were pictures, notes, crib name tags, special animals and outfits and flowers to pack up too.  There were even hugs from nurses who cared for our little man.  Still there was terror. 

What if...  It was a long drive from the hospital in the big city to our small town home.  What if...  There were no more monitors to reassure me that everything was ok.  What if...  There were no nurses checking in every few minutes.  What if...  There was nothing to reassure me. 

No, that's not true.  There was you. 

There was your sweet little face to reassure me.  There were tiny little pink toes and big blue eyes to reassure me.  There was crying in the middle of the night and dirty diapers and gurgles and coos to reassure me.  But most importantly, there was you.  We had you.  You were perfect.  You, with your little chest scar just like Grandpa.  You, with your little figures that would hold mine so tight.  You.

I can't believe you are turning 10 this month! What a blessing you have been to our family, my sweet Bugaboo.